head over heels

My clumsiness is amplified 100% by the extra weight and cankles - last week I actually fell while coming back from lunch with a co-worker. Here's the story: I love me some free, so whenever I get a fountain soda at lunch, I always make sure I get a refill before leaving the establishment and take it back to work with me. My co-worker makes relentless fun of me for this, but I find her unwillingness to get the most value out of a purchase absurd...she actually threw away a half full soda that day...its a point we agree to disagree on. Anyways, we're walking back to the office, bitching about the bitch in our department, when one of my cankles rolls over and I feel myself start to fall. Given my height, and my history of tripping/falling, I know when it's a go and there is no turning back...luckily with all my volleyball training I at least can usually fall without hurting myself. This is my first time falling while pregnant, but definitely not my first rodeo in terms of falling in general...in fact, once I'm on the ground, with my co-worker bug eyed and panicked standing over me - I ask her to please take my soda, which I have managed to save the majority of (obviously most of my falls usually involve another type of beverage that I have become an expert at not spilling). I laugh it off, get up and dust myself off - and take my soda back. Once we get back to the office, she convinces me to go home and put my feet up, so I catch an early train home and call my mom - who of course demands that I call my Dr. My Dr. then demands that I go to the hospital....wait...what?? Hospital? Why? Apparently I"m a dumb ass because it's a big deal to fall on your stomach when you're 38 weeks pregnant - so I go get monitored for a few hours, all of which is very scary but luckily everything turns out to be just fine. I think the important take away here is that I was MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MY SODA THAN MY PREGNANT BELLY...how I can possibly be mother material when my first concern is the status of my free refill, which technically I shouldn't even be drinking if I were a good mom because it has caffiene and no nutritional value what so ever??

I'm now having daily panic attacks about the baby's movement, what she will look like, what if I go into labor on the R6 train, what if she has that foot problem that the fetus on Grey's Anatomy had last week?? That could be going on inside me right now and no one would know, I haven' t had an ultra sound since the summer... what if, all my joking aside, I've done something over the past 9 months that has in some way harmed her? What if my little bit of coffee each day has caused some type of damage...what kind of person am I to even take such risks, how selfish of me. Is she moving enough, I don't think she's moving enough, I'll drink some juice and see if she moves more, I don't think she moved more, she's moving 10 times an hour, but not nearly as much as she used to, is she too tight in there, is she too lethargic, do I need to move around more to keep her moving, why didn't the juice work, what if i drink something hot and then something cold, will that make her move, is that like fetal torture to expose her to really hot or really cold....OMG...enough already. Please just get here safe and sound.

And, dearest baby girl, please accept my sincerest apologies for already losing 3 of your socks. I was trying to do you a favor and wash your clothes before you got here, and somehow I managed to already screw that up. Your father doesn't even let me do his laundy because I lose socks so frequently...it will be interesting to see what type of person you will be when it comes to your socks. A free wheeling, devil may care, so what if I have on two different socks kind of person like me - or a sock stickler that insists every sock have an exact mate, because god forbid someone notice that peeking out from between your pant leg and the top of your shoe the white socks you have on aren't the exact same height. I'm looking forward to finding this and many other things out about you, please stop making me worry so much and just get here already.