Rollercoaster of Love

Apparently I never had PMS before I got pregnant.

I thought I did, but evidently me thought wrong because the surge of emotions I felt for my first visit from Aunt Flo post baby was horrifying. I didn't connect the dots completely until I was driving home from the grocery store, with Mila in the back seat, and started to get inexplicable road rage. I was white knuckling the wheel and flipping the bird to anyone and everyone that would look at it. Wondering why I was so infuriated, I got home and saw on the counter my birth control pills with the row of whities being the only ones left. It was an ah ha moment, and I warned Chris that he should stay away from me for a few days - I wasn't in the mood for shenanigans. Did he listen? No. Is our screen door now broken? Yes. Later that night, I thought I was having contractions again - waking up in the middle of the night panicking that there was a late twin stuck in there or something. Apparently I had never really experienced cramps before either.

Is this the body I will be stuck with now? Once a month not only will I be sagging, drooping and scarred, but now I can look forward to crampy and cranky as well?

They say every pregnancy is different and every woman has a different experience, why does it have to be my experience both pre and post partum to be a raving lunatic? If you ask Chris he'll say it has nothing to do with the baby, but if you ask me I'll say Chris is an expletive. So looking forward to that row of pink pills!

She works hard for the money

Three weeks ago I started back to work full time. I had originally started writing this post prior to my return - I had several paragraphs of ranting on the archaic nature of our inflexible workforce, rampant sexism, reverse age discrimination, et cetera. I deleted those thoughts (although they were valid!!) and began anew below.

My first day back went something like this: cried leaving the house, yelled at Chris for not understanding why I was so upset, begrudgingly rode the train into the city, walked the half mile to work sniffling, stared teary eyed at my computer wondering where to begin, decided to look at photos of Mila online, Oops! time to go home. Thought that Chris would tell me how hard his day was staying at home with Mila... thought Mila would be hysterical from being at home with Chris all day. It was a piece of cake for him and when I scooped her up for kisses she couldn't stop looking at her daddy. Peas and carrots those two, I guess I should be grateful and not jealous.

Days 2, 3, 4...15 have pretty much gone the same way, with a tad more work getting done each day - but I still take the time to look at my baby girl photos over and over again. Now the harsh reality of being 4 months behind on 3 projects is setting in, and I have a mild panic attack around 2PM everyday.

Some ways my work life has changed since becoming a mom:
-I find my arch Nemesis amusing rather than infuriating (at least for the time being)

-I think I've been inducted into a secret club that I never knew existed. Its very strange - but nice- to get approving glances from female colleagues as if only now am I truly an adult.

-While presenting at a board meeting recently, I was asked to show photos....I smell leverage!

-Unfortunately I think I lost some of my edge because I find myself not willing to risk it all everyday. I generally get a lot done because I'm willing to put it all on the line - you either love me or hate me. I'm finding myself holding my tongue more often, and yesterday I even said "considering the politics of the situation" - uh oh, I'm starting to dance for them! But they do pay me well and now I have more than myself to think about....this thought process in itself is humbling for me.

-The biggest change is that my fat ass has nothing to wear. Who knew the belly band would come in more use post delivery than while I was actually pregnant. I've lost too much weight to wear maternity clothes, but not enough to get back in my old clothes. You should see the gem of an outfit I have on today. Good times.

a mom and a baby walk into a liquor store... (insert your own punchline here)

Well, the baby technically wasn't walking, she was being carried in her car seat.

Is it bad that Mila is only 4 months old and I already have 2 funny liquor store stories??

One involves a $6.99 sale on Yellow Tail and the other a broken bottle of tea vodka and a disapproving security guard. I won't go into the details, I'm sure most of the people reading this with kids have their own babies n' booze stories. For those of you that don't, kudos on your sobriety.

Exercising Demons

Just in case anyone was snickering at my misuse of "exorcising" in my previous post, I agree, what a dope! In retrospect, I think my mistake may have actually been a more accurate assessment of what happened.

Exorcising demons refers to the ritual process by which indwelling evil spirits, or demons, are compelled to leave a person's body. In my case, exercising demons just means they got a good workout, were very active for a while, and are now at rest!

I would never want to exorcise my demons, what a bore! Besides, I might need to call upon them again in the future - I'm good at the "taking names," but "kicking ass" is really their area of expertise.

30 Minute Meals My Ass

F U Rachel Ray.

It took me 2.5 hours to cook dinner from your 30 minute meals cookbook. Two nights in a row. The latest menu was turkey sliders, summer squash and red pepper saute and roasted strawberries. Delicious? Most definitely! 30 Minutes? My Ass! It took me 30 minutes just to figure out what roasting means.

I'm so chill I can't even think of a witty title...

Over a month has passed since my last post, and while I've been very busy with little Mila, I've wondered why I haven't updated the blog - suprised at myself that I've actually run out of things to say. Upon further consideration, I've realized that I haven't run out of things to say, I just have less things to bitch about these days (although my husband may disagree with that statement).

Pregnancy and labor for me was a horrific and frightening experience, period. I have friends that loved being pregnant, friends that were amazed and thrilled with the labor process, friends that might have shared some of my feelings about it - though I doubt they would have ever shouted their discontent from the rooftops as I did for nine months (ahem, correction -10 months). While I know that every pregnancy is different, I do wonder if its just my personality (or some flaw therein) that made my response to my experience so outrageous.

The demons were definitely exercised the moment Mila was born (I'm not insinuating that Mila is a demon...) but there are still so many challenges that I'm still facing - mainly this process of creating a whole new definition of self and more importantly of purpose. I kind of feel like these things will figure themselves out over time - I guess my more relaxed outlook has something to do with the awesomeness that is Mila and maybe a little bit to do with the fact that I can once again engage in the occasional cocktail. (don't judge me!) A friend said to me recently, "you seem so calm." And you know what? I feel calm - not like buddha calm, but probably as calm as I could ever be. I still have my complaints and worries and frustrations, but I don't feel like they're eating me from the inside anymore. But don't tell my husband about this confession of clarity and rediscovered sanity, I need to keep him on his toes.

I'm hoping this new found zen-ness will not interfere with my ability to write a hostile entry on this blog every now and again - but the tone may change a bit. I'll try to refrain from being one of those, "i'm so in love, she is so perfect, i'm so happy, blah blah blah." I'm assuming that is how everyone feels - plus, you've seen the pictures, I don't have to tell you how great she is - it's obvious she is the most perfect/adorable/smart baby ever, so we can just all acknowledge it and move on.

A Star is Bjorn

Yesterday I wore the Baby Bjorn with Mila for the first time. Talk about a miracle in a box! I was amazed as I walked around the house, able to do all those things I missed doing so much like unloading the dishwasher, vacumming, dusting....NOT. But it was cool to be able to chat easier online and actuallly make myself a sandwhich this afternoon. Mila is happy because she is able to walk around with me; I am happy because it is so much easier to mix my cocktails now that I can hold her sans hands.

Yesterday I reclaimed my boobs (I'm officially done!), today I've got my hands back - next I'll work on regaining my sanity.