Booby Trapped

I made my feelings on boob feeding very clear while writing during my pregnancy. Now that I'm actually engaging in the act on a daily (more like hourly) basis, I would love to be able to say that I was wrong. It would bring me great pleasure to tell you that Mila and I are so in love that I don't even notice the dull knife slicing through my boob pain that is the act of latching on. Alas, it is nearly just as awful as I thought it would be, and I only say nearly as awful because she is so damn cute.

Yes, once it gets going it doesn't hurt that bad - most of the time, but that initial pain makes me grimace and sputter a "why, you little..." every single time. And I don't want to hear it from any of you hippies that think I'm awful because breastfeeding is a beautiful, natural act that creates bonding - blah blah blah. Me running around the house half naked and fat, a leaking hot mess, is not beautiful.

I can hear you asking yourself, "why didn't she just use formula??" Can you handle the truth?It's because I am a selfish, lazy mommy that really wanted to lose weight but didn't want to start exercising right now. Hello, have you met me?? I'm glad Mila got the added benefits of the breastmilk, but my intentions were not pure. I guess with all I read I thought I would be a size 6 by now, I mean it burns an extra 500 calories a day, and I don't have time to eat anymore....but my fat ass is still in maternity blue jeans. What gives? I was really delusional, thinking I would walk away from this pregnancy with a whole new body type - that breast feeding would take me from an apple bottom to an hourglass shape before I even returned to work.

After one particularly difficult night, my mom asked me why exactly I was breastfeeding and I came clean about wanting to lose the weight faster. She told me this was a myth and basically I was an idiot...WHAT??? A quick google search of "breast feeding weight loss myth" revealed several studies that contradict all the pro breastfeeding propaganda I had previously read regarding weight loss. WTF. I'm not sure why I so willingly accepted the "facts" about breastfeeding (from pro breastfeeding sources, of course) without researching the topic about weight loss a bit more thoroughly. Probably for the same reason I ate nothing but canned chicken and pace picante sauce for 3 months in college - because someone told me it would be a a quick fix for my body image issues.

Being the sole food source for Mila has been a daunting task. So in an effort to lessen my stress, I decided to rent an electric breast pump to start exclusively bottle feeding Mila with the hope of moving to formula shortly thereafter. Of course I did not really research how to make this transition either, and the result is mommy have more milk instead of less and Mila being not so happy with all the gas from the bottles....help me! I feel trapped. Booby trapped.