BITE ME (said the cookie, I complied)

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish...Green Eggs and Ham - what do these things have in common?

If you answered "Dr. Seuss books" you would be WRONG. If you answered a small portion of the list of things I have eaten in the past 24 hours, sadly you would be right. I went to bed hungry, I woke up hungry.

I will not count them when I sleep, I'd rather EAT those yummy sheep.

My baby is hungry. Why else would I eat a bagel for breakfast, two bagels for lunch, followed by half a muffin and two pastries? She clearly needs to carb load for the energy she will need come late January to withstand the delivery process.

I do not want that cream cheese pat, I'd rather scoop it from the vat.

I've been hungry before, but this is my first experience with insatiable hunger. Generally, my pre pregnancy modus operandi was to eat myself sick - usually incapable of stopping myself at full and opting to continue until a staggering discomfort level was reached that could only be relieved by a smoke or two and black coffee (or hard liquor). Because this was my standard, I did not eat three square meals a day, but usually just a late lunch or an early dinner. However, with the exception of the candy addiction, I've been pretty happy with my eating habits and weight gain...until about two weeks ago. That's when the bottom fell out...literally.

I was standing in front of the pantry, leaning on the door, with my hand on my hip gazing at my options for dinner one night. That's when I realized, my hand wasn't on my hip, and it wasn't on my waist, it wasn't my stomach either - it was some new shelf that had developed...was that my ass? Was my butt reaching around the side of my body and was I really currently using it as a means of supporting myself? OMG.

In the past, my ass was last, but now the view is something new

I do not like to see my butt, I do not like it in the front.

Given the newest addition to my body, I was rightfully distraught at Thanksgiving dinner last week. You see, my in-laws eat a formal Thanksgiving dinner - it is delicious and it's always so nice to sit around the dining room table and visit. The problem is, the chair I was designated to sit in was the extra dining room chair, not the chair that matched the table - I had the chair with arms. My husbands family are all tiny (well, in comparison to me), very thin, healthy and basically a 180 from my body type. Before sitting down I mumbled to my husband "switch chairs with me" to which he replied "WHAT??? I CAN'T HEAR YOU." So of course I said never mind and wedged my new front butt into the chair. Dinner was wonderful, and I ate enough for 12, all the while mindful of how I was going to remove myself from the seat when it was time to get up. Luckily the fit wasn't too tight and I was able to hold the chair down while I lifted myself out of it - of course no one else noticed - thank god (well, Chris did eventually and then said "you should have told me to switch...").

I ate so much I did not fit, I did not fit where I should sit.