Birthin' babies 101

On Saturday morning, Chris and I grabbed two pillows and donned comfy clothes and shoes as instructed by the RN who took our information over the phone when we registered for our two part child birth class. We headed off to the hospital; I was looking forward to getting medical insight as to what I could expect during childbirth, hopefully some pointers on how I could prepare my body physically for the big show, and seeing “THE VIDEO.”

Our comfy clothes consisted of blue jeans, casual shoes and long sleeve knit shirts. There were five other couples in the class, their comfy clothes consisted of jogging pants, hoodies, yoga gear, etc…. I wondered what in the hell we were going to be doing that required workout gear and pillows. Color me intrigued.

After about 30 minutes into the class, we figured out that we were not going to be recieving any kind of meaningful insight into the childbirth process…for instance, the RN showed us a dialation chart – then to really drive the point home about how a cervix dialates, she had us all suck on lifesavers to see how the center gets bigger and the outside gets thinner. Ew. The video that was shown was not the full on camera shot of a live birth, but rather “Childbirth for Dummies” (no joke!) – it used cartoon characters, corny jokes and interviews with couples in an attempt to make the subject matter light hearted. One of the couples in the video, Jeff and Suzy, were really annoying – Jeff discussed in detail when Suzy lost her mucus plug and how they were examining it together to determine if they should go to the hospital. If I ever heard Chris even say the words “mucus plug,” much less request to examine mine, I think I would die. The handouts we were given with lists of what we should pack for the hospital had been photocopied so much over the years, they were barely legible. They were so old that near the top of the list was “sanitary belts.” A baby doll with a make shift umbilical cord and placenta was passed around. The RN asked how many of the men in the room would be cutting the umbilical cord; Chris did not raise his hand. I also noticed that while the video wasn’t showing anything graphic, he didn’t look when Suzy got her epidural, or when she received the incision for her c-section. Are you kidding me? I have to go through the whole process of incubating, growing and delivering a live person and he can’t even look at a video – and he isn’t sure if he would cut the umbilical cord?!! Oh he’ll cut that cord or he’ll leave the hospital room with it wrapped around his neck like a noose. His choice.

So of course being the mature couple that we are – we were probably the oldest couple in the room – we began to act like bored 5th graders in science class. The workbook we had to complete had a question, “please list the discomforts you have experienced during pregnancy:” I wrote “I have this GIANT pain in my ass” with an arrow pointing to Chris. When asked to list what we learned in the class, Chris wrote “Jeff and Suzy are nerds.” And people wonder why I’m so nervous about bringing a child into the world – the two of us are so juvenile ourselves!

Finally, in the last hour of the class, the pillows and comfy clothes were about to be put to use. We were asked to sit on the floor with the pillows propped up behind me. I was told to bend my knees, breathe in and breath out, then breathe in and hold my breath while Chris was told to pinch me on my arm for twenty seconds, then to pinch me harder for an additional ten seconds. This, the RN informed us, was to simulate a contraction. At this point I took a pillow from behind my back, stood up, and whacked the RN upside her head. Ok, so I only imagined that part, but seriously – a pinch to simulate contractions? A lifesaver to demonstrate dialation? (although I did appreciate the candy)

I can’t wait to see what part 2 of this class, scheduled for 11/21, has in store for us. Maybe we’ll spit watermelon seeds across the room to simulate the ease of a baby coming out of my lady parts.

As I'm writing this entry, I'm waiting to get my glucose test at the hospital. Everyone has warned me how horrible the glucose juice is...I liked it! Tasted like liquid candy corn. Some waiting room observations:

There was "that guy" who wanted to chat me up about my pregnancy, and tell me his own personal TLC Baby Story and the “ten pound beast” that got stuck in his wife during labor. SHUT UP YOU FREAK.

There is a baby sitting next to me that looks exactly like a munchichi – from what I can understand she is only a week old! Super cute and weird. I opted against telling the woman how her adorable baby could pass for a munchichi.