She works hard for the money

Three weeks ago I started back to work full time. I had originally started writing this post prior to my return - I had several paragraphs of ranting on the archaic nature of our inflexible workforce, rampant sexism, reverse age discrimination, et cetera. I deleted those thoughts (although they were valid!!) and began anew below.

My first day back went something like this: cried leaving the house, yelled at Chris for not understanding why I was so upset, begrudgingly rode the train into the city, walked the half mile to work sniffling, stared teary eyed at my computer wondering where to begin, decided to look at photos of Mila online, Oops! time to go home. Thought that Chris would tell me how hard his day was staying at home with Mila... thought Mila would be hysterical from being at home with Chris all day. It was a piece of cake for him and when I scooped her up for kisses she couldn't stop looking at her daddy. Peas and carrots those two, I guess I should be grateful and not jealous.

Days 2, 3, 4...15 have pretty much gone the same way, with a tad more work getting done each day - but I still take the time to look at my baby girl photos over and over again. Now the harsh reality of being 4 months behind on 3 projects is setting in, and I have a mild panic attack around 2PM everyday.

Some ways my work life has changed since becoming a mom:
-I find my arch Nemesis amusing rather than infuriating (at least for the time being)

-I think I've been inducted into a secret club that I never knew existed. Its very strange - but nice- to get approving glances from female colleagues as if only now am I truly an adult.

-While presenting at a board meeting recently, I was asked to show photos....I smell leverage!

-Unfortunately I think I lost some of my edge because I find myself not willing to risk it all everyday. I generally get a lot done because I'm willing to put it all on the line - you either love me or hate me. I'm finding myself holding my tongue more often, and yesterday I even said "considering the politics of the situation" - uh oh, I'm starting to dance for them! But they do pay me well and now I have more than myself to think about....this thought process in itself is humbling for me.

-The biggest change is that my fat ass has nothing to wear. Who knew the belly band would come in more use post delivery than while I was actually pregnant. I've lost too much weight to wear maternity clothes, but not enough to get back in my old clothes. You should see the gem of an outfit I have on today. Good times.