PhD (pretty hard decisions)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season. It's hard to believe that I started this blog over a year and half ago ranting about my pregnancy woes and joking about birthing unicorns; now I have a real life 10 month old that has all those same magical and mystical powers, minus the horn and hoofs. Despite what many of you repeatedly told me over the longest 10 months of my life, I never believed that I would be sitting here again at my computer, functioning like a normal human being, and glowing about being a mother. On February 2, 2010, I was certain that for the next 18 years I was destined to be a frantic, anxious, unbearably unattractive, painfully tired and secretly resentful, pitiful woman. Yet here I be, a mere 305 days later, with a new normal and a surprising sense of ease.

As promised, I have not updated this blog with hugs and kisses recaps of my own personal baby story...I have waited until a volunteer came along to discuss the pre-baby horror that is pregnancy. A very good friend reached out to me recently to inform me that she has been feeling the tick of her biological cuckoo clock and isn't sure what to make of it. She has been toying with the idea of considering the possibility to begin thinking about having a tentative discussion with her husband about the status of her uterus. Needless to say, she is not at the point of making a decision today, but is looking to learn more. After following the blog during my pregnancy, she knew I would be honest in response to her inquiries about money, time, and life in general after baby. As a fan of the blog, a friend, and supporter of twisted humor, she has volunteered for us to further examine whether or not she is indeed ready to contemplate fertilization.

When doing a quick looksi lou online regarding pre-pregnancy considerations for this write-up, I found several quizzes, which contained questions like these: "Do you take a daily multivitamin?" "Do you keep a written record of your menstrual cycle?" and the obvious "Do you have a reproductive life plan?" He he he .. ...apparently I was grossly under qualified for pregnancy - perhaps this explains my overall experience? Duh, a reproductive life plan would have made my gestation period so much more comfortable.

So friends, lets take a look at 10 categories below that I’ve randomly deemed important and rate them on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being "sew it up" (her vagina) and 10 being "toss your pills tonight!" This will be the Lyssy Pre-Pregnancy Preparedness Predictor (LPPP).

LPPP (not to be confused with OPP, which she is in fact not down with)

Age: She is 30. I give her a 10/10 in this category. She had her 20’s, he had his 30's - grown up enough to deal with a child, still young enough to have fun. Of course they can have a baby these days at 65 if they'd like, and her being a scientist I'm sure she could make that happen. But ew.

Size/Build: My height, thin and in shape enough to make me bitterly jealous. She is strong like bull; her score is an 10/10.

Relationship: Married for 5+ years. Her husband is 9 years her senior. Score is a 10/10. Plenty of women have babies all by themselves. Plenty of same sex couples that are not afforded the "luxury" of marriage have babies.

Domestication rating: I'd give her at least a 5 of 10. I believe she tends towards my school of thought when it comes to cooking (I'm a 1 out of 10 for those of you that don't know), BUT she has acquired a recent profound interest in baking cupcakes (tick, tick, tick). Given the fact that I would score myself a 1, and above I indicated she was at first thought a 5 – compounded by the fact that my baby is still alive, her overall rating doubles to become 10/10 in this category as a predictor for pregnancy preparedness.

Pets: 3 dogs, which she adores more than most people do their kids. She loves her dogs; my dogs are unfortunately peripheral to me at this point. I'm sure some women do much better at maintaining that relationship with their pets - but thank goodness my husband is still so good and attentive with them. I score her a 4/10 here, this is a hard and sad transition (at least it was for me).

Housing: Suburban dream in a good school district. 10/10. Doesn't get much better than her digs. Sure, the mortgage is high and babies are expensive. But I live in a dump and our repair bills per year are outlandish, and yet our house never gets nicer. This week I have found a ziploc baggie, cheese curls package, hangers, a miller high life 40 ounce bottle and bathmat in my driveway. Yes, a bathmat. Luckily, the owners came to claim it (WTF???) In all fairness, the 40 could have been my husbands.

Hobbies: We played volleyball in college together - she has managed to keep it up, apparently is a runner now, and does something with a large group of people in the mud on occasion (what the hell were those photos on facebook by the way?) There isn't anything listed here that is life altering. If her hobbies were swinging and/or knife fighting there might be some issue. Volleyball and running can be resumed. Kids like mud. 10/10.

Occupation: Scientist. Really, like the cure cancer kind of scientist. The published, John Hopkins, breed of scientist. 5/10. I can take my work home, hell I can even fart around like I am right now in my very important "business" world - I don't think it works that way with beakers and test tubes. However, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be the first scientist to have a baby, but it may slow research for the next big publication, or delay the cure for Alzheimer’s.

Stress Tolerance: High. A former division 1 athlete that graduated with honors, works in a highly competitive field, has stayed married for over 5 years. Nuff said. She is a cool cat, I’m pretty sure she could handle anything thrown her way, including baby poop. 10/10.


Comfort with the Unknown: Low. She is a scientist – she knows more than most of my other friends combined (no offense friends, she just really is a genius). This is the real issue: she isn’t sure she will like being a mom and is looking for me to offer advice. My friend, it is a leap of faith…and seeing as how neither of us are destiny/fate type gals - I know it seems incomprehensible to take this risk when the stakes are so very high. I will not lie- it would really suck to go through all the horrors of pregnancy and not like your baby. And I cannot promise you would like your baby. As a scientist, you could do a statistical regression based on data I could compile by conducting an engagement and satisfation survey of passerby new mothers – oh wait, that’s what a statistician would do. What would a scientist do? What Would Darwin Do? Do they have that bracelet for that yet? I guess you could try to find the answer in the Origin of Species or some might argue the Bible, but then you get your vagina involved in all these academic /spiritual discussions that it really doesn’t want or need to hear. I think you should treat your discussions about your vagina and its capabilities much like those discussions at office happy hour – stay off the subjects of religion and politics. I know, I digress, only to avoid the score here of 2/10. You’ll know when you’re ready, or you’ll get drunk and forget to take your pill. Either way, your current level of preparedness in this category is low.

The official LPPP score is 81. Good enough for me, yes – for a future Nobel prize winner, I’m not sure.

Love you girl, hope I made you laugh, you'll figure it out.